10 Terrible Celebrity Endorsements

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I’m sure this won’t come as much of a surprise to anyone who has turned on their television, radio, or computer any time in the past twenty years, but, if given large sums of money, celebrities can be persuaded to give their endorsement to pretty much any product imaginable––no matter how demeaning or humiliating it is to them personally. Luckily for us, this means that we get to have a good laugh every time we walk through the adult diaper section in the grocery store or happen to pass an erectile dysfunction billboard on our morning commute to work.

Here are the top ten most ridiculous celebrity endorsements:

OJ Simpson Rents Cars

1983 O. J. Simpson Hertz Rental Car Commercial

That’s right, OJ, the most infamous felony car-chase criminal of all time (although he was clearly innocent) was the face of Hertz car rentals for many years. This, of course, was before he (allegedly) stabbed his wife to death and then attempted to escape the police in his Ford bronco for several hours on national television. …I could now make several jokes involving how much it ‘hertz’ to be stabbed, but I’ll refrain.

Heidi Klum Candies

Heidi Klum Yoghurt Candies

Ever wanted to look like a Victoria Secret’s model? Are you curious about how those beautiful, long-legged, winged beauties keep their gorgeous figures? Well, finally, at long last, Heidi Klum is revealing her diet secrets. Simply eat two of these delicious, nutritious hard candies every day (and nothing else) and you’ll be strutting down the runway in no time.

Bob Dole’s Impotency Cure-all

Bob Dole Viagra Commercials

Sure, he might not have won the presidency, but that doesn’t mean he’s fated to be denied access to the ‘Oval office’ for the rest of his life. With just one simple blue pill, he (and you can too!) will have a presidential seal hard enough to veto bills all night long.

Joe Namath’s Pantyhose

Joe Namath and Pantyhose

Nothing says beauty like a Hall of Fame quarterback wearing women’s pantyhose, right? Or wait, what exactly is this advertisement for Beautymist pantyhose trying to say? And why exactly do Joe’s legs look so unbelievably soft and supple in those pantyhose?

Kim Kardashian’s Charmin’ Toiletries

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Does anyone else find it a bit ironic that Kim is advertising toilet paper? I mean, lets face it: she first became famous because of…well…a certain anatomical anomaly she happens to have. It’s a…um…extremely protuberant…well…uh…

Anyway, I never thought about it until I saw this ad, but I’m sure she must use a lot of toilet paper.

Joe Perry’s Hot Sauce

Joe Perry – Joe Perry’s Rock Your World Hot Sauce

Few things say rock’n’roll like a grown man wearing an apron and cutting up bell peppers. This over-the-hill Aerosmith rocker now solicits himself as a spicy sauce man selling fiery Mexican condiments on late night television. Ouch.

Gorbachev’s Louis Vuitton Propaganda

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We all know that politicians frequently use the media to disseminate their ideas and influence the populations of their countries, but few make their statements so glaringly obvious and commercial as Russia’s Mikhail S. Gorbechev did in this Louis Vuitton ad, wherein he is driving past the Berlin wall with a clearly labeled document spilling from his designer bag demeaning his opponent, Vladimir Putin.

George Foreman’s Lean Mean Fat Reducin’ Cookin’ Machine

George Foreman Grill TV Advertisement 2006

If you are looking to slim down to that perfect bikini beach body for the summer, who better to take diet advise from than boxing’s former heavyweight champion of the world?

Johnny Rotten Gone Buttery

John Lydon butter Commercial

This front man for the legendary Sex Pistols punk band apparently went soft in his old age. Now he sells Country Life butter––a far cry from his days of anarchy in the UK.

Brady Bunch of Bones

Joe Perry – Joe Perry’s Rock Your World Hot Sauce

Florence Henderson went from the star Brady Bunch model mother, to television’s leading advocate for avoiding smelly dentures. Yes, sadly it is true. Apparently, not only has that beautiful pearly smile fallen out of her face, but the hole it left has also become rather odiferous. Luckily, she has Polident to freshen her fake in teeth in just five minutes.

Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is funny. Usually it is a bit of both. Celebrities selling themselves to the highest bidder or grasping onto their last gasp attempt to retain a modicum of fame through the apotheosis of advertising. In any event, it is always a relief to know that the rest of us will never have to choose between the limelight (though it means commercial debasement) or the fate of obscurity. The choice between dignity and fame is thankfully not one that we will not have to make any time soon.